A lot of people are scared to raise the topic of using sex toys in the bedroom with their partner. I know this feeling, because I was once there too. When my first boyfriend was at work, I masturbated furiously with my vibrator, but I wasn’t brave enough to raise the possibility of using it during sex with him. It felt like admitting we’d failed at “proper” (read: not mechanically assisted) sex, like I was saying something negative about his skills. I was afraid he’d think I was a nymphomaniac or broken because I couldn’t get off the “normal” (read: penis in vagina) way.
It really wasn’t until I started reading sex blogs, and eventually writing my own, that I really internalised the idea that using sex toys in partnered sex isn’t a sign of something wrong… it’s just an awesome way of sharing more and different kinds of pleasure!
So today I wanted to share with you some possible ways to approach this conversation with your partner to give you the best chance of it going smoothly.
Using toys together doesn’t have to be a big deal or an intense negotiation! Present it matter-of-factly to your partner.
With a new lover, this might include using a phrase such as “the best way to get me off is to use a vibrator on my clit,” or “I like to be warmed up with a butt plug before we go for full penetration with your cock.” With an existing partner, try something like “I’d really like to incorporate sex toys into our play together sometimes. What do you think about that?” It really is that simple!
Present it as a great opportunity for the two of you
Using toys is awesome! They can add so much extra fun and pleasure to your play. If you approach your partner as if you’re asking for something outlandish or weird, they’ll pick up on that vibe (pun most definitely intended.) But if you pitch it as an exciting thing to explore together, they’re likely to pick up on your excitement and mirror it back to you.
Try saying, “I thought it would be really hot if we… [fill in the blank].” Incidentally, this is a great way to introduce the topic of any new kink or sexual interest to your partner.
Centre your pleasure… and theirs!
The amazing “Dildorks” (Kate Sloan and Bex Caputo) recommend using a phrase like, “do you want to see me come?” followed by reaching for a toy to use on yourself or have your partner use on you. No good lover is going to answer “no” to this question! (Unless you’re playing with consensual orgasm denial, in which case more power to you.) A good lover wants you to have the best time possible!
If what you’re wanting to do is use a toy on them, try “I want to try something that might make this feel even better for you...” before introducing the thing you’d like to use on them.
Introduce the idea in dirty-talk
Dirty talk and fantasising together, whether in person or while sexting or cyber-sexing, can be a great way to explore new ideas in a low-pressure way. Try a phrase like, “it would make me come really hard if you fingered my G-spot while I use a vibrator on my clit,” or “I’d really like to see you strap on a silicone cock and fuck my ass.”
And if they say no?
You can’t, and shouldn’t, make anyone do anything they don’t want to do, of course. However, if someone reacts badly to the idea of using toys together, it’s worth an exploratory conversation about why. A lot of people, cis men in particular, feel that their partners’ use of sex toys means they are somehow lacking. This absolutely isn’t true. Remember: toys are not replacements for people! Toys are tools to help people have the most fun and pleasure possible, both solo and together. It can take people time to get over these hang-ups, and that’s completely normal and should be approached with compassion and understanding. But please remember that you deserve to be having sex with someone who doesn’t let their ego get in the way of your pleasure.
And if they say yes?
Awesome! You’ve got a whole world of fun to play with. Try a wand vibrator, a vibrating cock-ring, a butt plug, a strap-on… whatever looks good to you. Just remember to select body-safe products. Enjoy your adventure!
This is a guest post from Amy at Coffee and Kink. Amy is a writer, blogger, adult product reviewer and sex geek with a passion for pleasure-focused education and body-safe toys. She’s a queer poly switch, a feminist and a survivor. She lives in the UK with her primary partner. You can find her sex blog at coffeeandkink.me and follow her on Twitter @CoffeeAndKink.